Of Love, Pain and Courage

It was terrible. On a pleasant December night few years back, I woke up with a shiver, sweating in anxiety on my bed, brushing my hands hurriedly on the bed next to me. It felt like all of a sudden unexpectedly I lost grip of my hand and fell inside a deep valley. The depth of the valley seemed endless. I kept falling for hours. Where was I going ? I didn’t know. It was in that process of falling that I woke up with a jerk. It was dark, I could see the bright moonlight falling on the beige sheer cotton curtains of my window. The curtains stood still, as if they could see me, as if they knew what was happening to me. Everything around was a pin drop silence. I looked around with a staring gaze, why wasn’t anything moving ? Why was it suppose to be so calm, as calm as death. I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb. As numb as the still air could be. I think I was waiting for this silence to occur. I screamed. I wailed. Made noises as hard as I could in anguish. These noises helped me to take my demons out. From my eyes I could only see my entire room inundated with water. Everything was floating. The table, the wall, the lamp, the study. After a long time I blinked my eyes and heavy drops of tears rolled down from both my eyes upto my chin and below,  wetting my thin comforter. I asked myself , What had I ever done to deserve this? Why was this chosen for me after all my sacrifice. Why me ? My little heart  was naive, innocent, fragile, then why did he abandon my love after five long years ? I kept looking for answers, got none. Days were slow and nights were crawling.

This phenomena kept recurring to me at its own whims and fancies. As if I had no control over it. As if I was being tested every single day. The only thing that differed was intensity of the pain. It kept coming back reminding me of the harsh reality of him betraying me. I decided to stop  running from it and face it head on. I kept facing it everytime, everyday. Like they say feel the pain until it hurts no  more. I did the same. And it was working indeed. Gradually in 2 years or so that pain was settling down on the surface of my skin. I could feel it. They say time heals everything. May I contradict, time doesn’t heal anything, maybe we just get used to the pain. But thanks to that event in my life and the massive heartbreak, I came out as a completely new person. It felt like a rebirth of myself. One best thing about enduring pain is, it helps you grow which no other institution of knowledge probably can ever bestow upon you. I’ve always heard of these quotes, there’s always a silver lining in the darkclouds or there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Provided you wish to have faith in that light and move ahead to find the light.

Even today I keep brushing my hands next to my bed like I was searching for that one warm hug by my mother during my most demanding times who’s gone long time back.

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